Hospital Show | Chapter 7: Butt Flies
It might lower your sperm count,
but it’s harmless. It’s ha… It’s harm…?
[laughing] Kind of looks like
a dog’s breakfast. I’m not giving up
on this f—ing guy, all right? Oh, mother… There’s got to be something
more meaningful to do than pretending
to be a doctor. Dr. Grace is about to get
in a train wreck. Literally. Big.
♪ A disaster! ♪ This is real life.
It’s now. I don’t even remember
us having sex. I am really scared, but at the same time, I have never been more excited
about anything in my whole life. If you don’t renew
your contract soon, well, you’re not
going to have a choice. That train wreck
will be devastating. ♪ Everybody
Everybody ♪ ♪ Everybody’s on TV ♪ We are ready
for blocking, folks. Blocking in five. [Rich] I’m a doctor. Doc-tor. Hamburger. Ham-bur-ger. Dalai Lama. Dalai. Lama. Blocking Scene 37. Scene 37 for blocking. [Vince] This baby, this… this, this boy or girl
is exactly what I need, to ground myself,
to ground my work. You know, ’cause if nothing
real ever happens to you, then you’re nothing, you’re not real, and your work
certainly isn’t real either. So come to me, Baby Vince, because I know, by raising you, you’re going to make me
a better person and… hopefully a better actor, too. Hey, I just… Holy sh–! Oh, sh–, uh… God, your cheese. I’m so sorry. Sorry. Don’t ever
do that again, okay? Can we get a cleanup
at Crafty? [voice over walkie]
Okay, copy. “Paging Doctor Hussy. Paging Doctor Hussy.” I mean, look at this thing. I could barely get into this. Is anyone else wearing
children’s scrubs, by the way? [Astrid]
Mine are tight too. I kind of like it. Mine aren’t,
which says something. Listen, this is it
for me, Charlie. You can’t quit. This is my last good run. -What are you, Old Yeller?
-Kinda. The show would go on
with or without me. It probably would.
She’s right. Uh, no. One hair is rogue.
Do you see that? So I hear you’re going
to be a daddy. Congratulations. Yeah, my fans are over the moon. It’s been a really
positive experience. How do you feel about it? Uh, awesome.
80,000 likes and counting. Yeah, but are you excited?
Are you scared? Well, I mean, I got
50,000 followers overnight. It’s kind of crazy. So you don’t feel anything. [Vince] You know,
this is really weird. I’m getting a lot
of angry faces on my feed. If not this,
what would you do? I am a med school dropout, and instead of being a doctor,
I play one on TV. Oh, she’d go back to med school,
and then go to Africa, do something meaningful
with her life, and let botflies
bore into her flesh. Yeah, yeah, Charlie, botflies. Indigenous to central Africa. They lay their eggs inside
a cut, wound, an orifice, your butt, maybe, and then when the eggs hatch… [Rich] Hey! Stop yelling at her, all right? Or so help me. And by the way,
my patient is gonna die. There’s no such thing
as butt flies. Can we please
stop talking about this? [Rich] Seriously, folks, what is happening
with this eyebrow? Damn it! Can eyebrows grow? Hmm? What the f—
is with this thing?! If I stay, that man will be my boyfriend
for the next five years. Beginning today. Well, only in the day. Yeah, and we’ll be your sisters. I’m your Asian sister. She’s the, um… you’re the other sister. I’m the widowed slutty one. Mm. [♪♪♪] Your mom is going to quit. Stepmom. Potato. Pot-ah-to. She might quit.
So what? Well, if she leaves, you go back to normal school
for starters. That sucks. She’s tired of faking it. She wants the real thing. So, all we do is we just
give her some old people. Somebody with asthma,
a heart murmur. All she needs
is someone to save. I think if she wants
to go back to med school, we should help her go. I’ve already got
something set up. Trust me. Okay. I’m not
listening to you. I like you, but I’m not
listening to you. Not listening to you. Hey, Astrid. Uh, what, uh… what’s…
what’s going on? All my…
All my fans are pissed. Yeah, no kidding, hey? Why? They were
so happy for us. I’m not having
the baby, Vince. Oh, my god, what…
what happened? It was a fake!
It wasn’t mine. That was a pregnancy test
from Dorothy in Accounting. But it worked, right? Guaranteed gain 1 mil
more likes, and a whole lot of buzz. Brrr-up! Um, I’m not gonna be a dad? This is life,
its highs, its lows… I cannot tell all my fans
that this was fake. Why would you do this, Astrid? Dude, relax, I kept it real. I just told my followers that you didn’t want
to be with me, even though
I was having your baby… Oh, geez. …and the stress of it all
gave me a miscarriage… Oh, my god. …and I was so super pissed, I took a sh–
in your trailer. Uh… no, no, you didn’t. What did you do? This is for you, Vincey! You don’t get my baby, but you… get… this! And get this: now you have
to get your followers to help you find it. Isn’t it great?
It’s like a quest! High stakes. I have your real poo
in my trailer? Hashtag: “me poo.” Hey, Charlie.
Ladies. [Charlie] I’m gonna pretend
I didn’t hear that. Son of a… Not in there, guys. That just, uh… just leaves the, uh…
the living area. Yeah, this is it, folks. Not everyone’s gonna be happy
with every decision you make, and you gotta live
with the consequences of that. You know, one minute,
you’re gonna be a father, and then the next, you’re not, and the mother
of your unborn child cuts a loaf for you
to find somewhere. Should I…
should I check the couch? Okay, here we go. I can smell it, guys.
I can smell it. Where the hell is it? Guess that’s life, you know? Sometimes you find
what you’re looking for, and… -[knocking on door]
-One second! …sometimes you don’t. [♪♪♪]