Homeopathic A&E (with subtitles)
What have we got? RTA. Broken arm, suspected internal injuries, severe contusions to the head. Then we need to move fast, prep me a solution of Arnica montana, stat. Strength? One part in a million. Are you sure? It looks serious. You’re right, we need to strengthen the dose. One part in ten million. On it doctor. Hear you’ve got a tricky one. Nothing we can’t handle.
Get me some wolf’s bane, also known as monk’s hood, in here! And a whole tray of flower remedies! Woah, his chakras are fading.
He’ll need some crystals. Nurse, fetch me some purple-tinted quartz. Damnit, you’re right, make that aquamarine quartz. Good call. Okay, he’s stabilising. Now, does anybody know what sort of car hit him? Blue Ford Mondeo apparently. Right, get me a bit of Blue Ford Mondeo, put it in water, shake it, dilute it, shake it again, dilute it again, do some more shaking, dilute it some more, then put three drops on his tongue. If that doesn’t cure him, I don’t know what will. You should have a look at this Simon. What is it? I don’t think this poor chap’s got long to live. Why not? His life-line, very short. And his horoscope’s not too clever either. “Sagittarius, brace yourself for a surprise, things are about to change for you.” Certainly are, unless… Wait! What? We could try drawing a bit more life-line on with biro. It’ll never work! You got a better idea? Let’s see what happens. Damnit. Time of death, Three thirty four… -ish. Tough day, eh? I just can’t stand losing them. It happens. I don’t know, sometimes I think a trace solution of deadly nightshade, or a statistically neglible quantity of arsenic, just isn’t enough. That’s crazy talk Simon. Okay, so you kill the odd patient with cancer or heart disease. Or bronchitis, flu, chicken pox or measles. But, when someone comes in with a vague sense of unease, or a touch of the nerves, or even just more money than sense, you’ll be there for them. Bottle of basically just water in one hand, and a huge invoice in the other. I suppose you’re right. Now, another drink? I need one. Excuse me! Two more homeopathic lagers please. Woah, that’s strong stuff.